i am writing to let you know that i am finally okay. it took me a year to dry out my dampened state, but i think the work is finally done. over the past nine months, i had attempted to seek solace in every aspect of my life to side-quest myself out of my pain, yet every single night i dug myself into a deeper and deeper hole, and felt so hopeless inside it. i question over and over again a) what i did wrong and b) what you did wrong, hoping that the autopsy would give me better closure than you did. but now i understand it wouldn’t. now i understand that i might never get the answers to what really happened, and that’s okay.
still, i am really proud of myself for standing up against you. i’m really proud of the way i called out your bullshit, three times, with that lump in my throat when i was trying to not cry. and i’m really proud of you for admitting that it wont work. it wasn’t something i wanted to hear, but it was something i needed. i realize i cant downsize myself to fit into your world. i am the main character, the bona fide it girl, and you liked that about me in the first place. being with you was fun for a bit but it took that glow away from me, and i turned into this small pathetic person that waits by the phone, worried that you’ll think less of me if i send another tweet after getting ignored for the past three hours. i see that anxious side of myself now and i don’t recognize her at all. it is everything i stand against. and i feel really sorry for that version of myself. i hope i’ve done well to heal that side of me.
did you know i went to see charli xcx last month? well, you wouldn’t cuz you dont have instagram. i want to let you know cuz it would’ve been really fun to go with you, since you enjoy her music so much. but then i remembered how you said to me (as we were pulling up to your garage) that you don’t like loud overstimulating environments, it would make you anxious. but i love loudness. i love losing myself to the beat and screaming the lyrics out loud. i am loudness. so i realize that the charli xcx concert would not have worked. i now realize that we wouldn’t have worked.
i hated you for wasting three months of mine, but i also can’t blame you for my own romanticization of my suffering. i think i was in a igaf war with myself. before, caring made me feel small. after, caring makes me have the moral highground, like it’s a virtue to suffer. part of me knew that i didn’t want to move on and let go cause that would mean all the pain and sadness would be in vain. but i now found out that i don’t need to wallow. the suffering and melancholia doesn’t make me a better person that you are. the light that i dimmed for you doesn’t shine again until i pull myself out of this rut. and i did it with the last one, i’m doing it again. the hurt was real and i learned so much from it, but i don’t want to give it too much credit. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5. it will always be me that saves myself.
so i want to let you know that i forgive you. it’s a little belated cuz i don’t think i said that the last time we spoke, and i don’t want to say things that i don’t mean. but i mean it now. from time we gather experiences, and from experiences wisdom. i forgive you, and i am okay now. i hope you are okay too, and that we can look back to this as a brief lesson that made us wiser.
and i was debating on whether to send this to you or not, but i don’t think i need your reaction anymore. my happiness or worth has never and will never depend on your acknowledgement, i don’t need you to know that i’m okay to be okay again. but thank you, i don’t regret it one bit.